Over a month ago, I was terminated from my job.  I haven’t really discussed this outside of my friends.  Long story short, I fucked up.  I did properly lock out the unit I was working on, which is a safety violation.  At the time, of course I was furious.  Not so much about not having a job, and not towards any of the management that had to do what was done.  I was more furious with myself, for making such a mistake.

Time and reflections, while not changing what was done, does add some perspective.  I was bored.  Plain and simple.  For the most part, these units only break down in a certain number of ways, and there was no thought process or challenge to the brain.  In short, since I had no challenge, I just didn’t care.

I’ve done a lot of things, put up with a lot, and always manage to come out ahead of where I want to be.    Somehow I always come on top.  I’d been wanting to figure out how to juggle work and school, and couldn’t get the hours of the day to add up, specially for the degree I want.  Business Admin is something I could do online or at night, but I would be bored with that again.  The heavy sciences require actually dedicating time to it, and during the day courses.  So it never put my plans in action.  So job gets lost, run through the finances.  The lovely wife and I can make it with me going to school full time.  May require some tightening of the belts here and there, but it can be done.  And it will be done.

As my Great Uncle put it “You are the only guy I know, that can dive headfirst into a pile of shit, and still come out smelling like a rose.”

So I’m basically now making a new life for myself, a new path.  The gears inside the brain are getting the rust cracked off of them, and I’m working on becoming what I always should have been.

With all this, I have boiled down my guiding principle:

Do what you like.  Like what you do.

I can not justify going against it again.  I’ve done it for far too long.

Well, there have not been that many work out write ups, mainly because there have not been that many workouts.  2 weeks ago, I was fired from my day job.  The way my mind and body works, I had to come to terms with that, before I could do anything with it.  On the plus side, I have a new direction for my life, that I haven’t had in a long time.

First thing is first, I’m heading up to school, and utilizing the lovely benefits for my time spent in the Corps.  I will end up taking a part time job somewhere, but as of yet, unsure of where.  Although me taking a part time job, has nothing to do with money to live on, so that is a very good thing.

So what am I heading to school for, well, Physics actually.  I enjoyed my job, for the most part, but it was mind numbing.  I can do much better, and I will.

I managed to at least keep up with workouts for TKD during the hiatus on posting, with the exception of the day I was fired.  As of last Friday, I have started back on my swim training.  I still despise it, but I despise it less.

Slowly I will start transitioning away from just my workout posts, and get more involved in actual writing of ideas and what not, but that will come in time.

My muse is a sadistic little bitch, no point in sugar coating it.

I have plenty of things to do, and she is going off on her own little world, new idea after new idea, and royally messing up my thought process.  Problem though with her, is when I switch focus to something she has been playing with, she instantly draws ideas to something else, and I’m left fumbling around working several projects at once, and getting no where whatsoever on them, due to the ineptitude of concentration.

At the very least her getting me wanting to draw is coming along fairly smoothly, and I’m thoroughly impressed with how well my drawing has come even in the past 6 months.  I would show off a side by side comparison, but honestly, I took down the stuff on this blog from before, because I’m now ashamed of the quality.  I’ve done nothing but rough sketches, but am happy with it, my technique is getting better, and the vision as well.  The eventual goal, is to get into practice well enough, and put online a webcomic or graphic novel, we shall see if my muse lets me.

The Harbinger.  You are my bane and you are my love.  The beginning and the end were beautiful, but the middle nothing but mush.  So muse, what pray tell do you want to do about it? Complete rewrite, from a completely different angle, keeping the high points, and removing the mush.  It can be cleaned up into another story later.  Problem with The Harbinger and my muse is this: I’ve been working so long on this world, had so many rewrites, and story ideas, that it’s not just a novel, it’s an entire saga.  I have about 8-9 stories that I want to tell in this world, and just can’t get the first one out.  But it is coming, slowly, although I can’t say surely.

I’ve found myself focusing on minimalism in computing, and think it may be helpful to me.  Not only in computing, but in life.  If you take a look at my current work area, it is too much stuff going on.  Now, while here I can’t do anything about it, I am moving very soon, and I’m debating changing how I have everything setup.  I want a room where it’s bare minimum, where I can create, and I’m honestly thinking that I will attempt to do so.  We already know we will have a room that is just set for relaxing, and reading, with the only technology being music in there.  I may try to turn the extra bedroom into a creative den, but not be a clutter bomb.

Music.  My  muse is getting further wanting to get back into music.  I love music, it’s very well known, and I want to get back to playing.  Problem is always time.  It may be time however to sit down, shut up, suck it up, and make the time.  No guarantees there.

In more lines of artwork, my muse wants to really start painting.  That’s another of my main reasons getting back into drawing.  If I can get my creative room done, shouldn’t be a problem to also add in to do some painting, but that issue is more than just time, that one gets involved in lots of money that I’m being too frugal to spend.

I’ve noticed I’m slowly shying away from video games, especially MMO’s.  I think it’s mainly because I’m wanting to spend more time in my own imaginary worlds, and not another.  I’ve had more fun going back to the old school style, than I have in the latest generic grindfest. I doubt I’m  moving on, I’m still a gamer, but there is much more to do.

There are of course tons of other projects on hand that she wants to do and try, and it leaves me feeling odd and overwhelmed.  I expect a knock down, drag out fight shortly, and maybe the little sadistic one and I can come to terms with each other and work loads.

Faith - noun – complete confidence or allegiance to a cause, a person, or an idea.

When did you lose faith?

This is a question that has been going through my mind for a while.  A quick preamble, I can not get away from the so-called “God’s Country.”  People that wear their faith on their sleeve, and can not stand a wayward soul.  I know, I’ve heard the needing to be in the arms of the saviour.  Their hopes and prayers that I will find it in my heart and see the light.  In relation to god, I will be tackling this first.

Jehovah, Allah or any other aliases the the God of the Sons of Abraham chooses to utilize.  This will go for any other mono-theistic deity that I really don’t have time to name.  The holy triumverate that is God.  Omniscience, Omnipotence, and Omnibenevolence.  I don’t believe in any of the three, much less that all three in one.  I’m not going to drag this out, as these debates have been done over and over again, but will go deeper on them if asked.  If a God is all knowing and powerful then how can you have free will?  He will love you unconditionally, as long as you love him… isn’t that a condition?  The three factions of the Sons of Abraham that all credit and believe in the same God, but can not practice what is preached by their holy texts.  Utilizing a so-called Holy Book as the proof that their particular religion is the one true religion, as if there aren’t any other holy books around (or books written by maniacal madmen.)

But enough of the ranting.  The question becomes when did I lose faith.  When it comes to God, I highly doubt I ever had any true faith in question.  Those that know me and have known me for a long time, know the fact that I’ve never truly had any sort of true faith in regards to god.  A human is the sum on his experiences.  I’ve always been the skeptic, and faith is a touchy subject due to that.  Guided by some of the experiences I’ve had, there is no possible way for me to be able to rationalize the chaotic and cruel winds that this world has torn.

That leaves polytheistic styles.  It would at least cover the oh shit factors of life.  But while some have redeeming qualities, I still don’t see any of those gods as having better mannerisms than the childish qualities found within men.  The polytheistic gods and religions are all based around certain aspects of humanity.  Each is nothing more than a facet of the populace, nothing more, nothing less.

TOO LONG: DIDN’T READ VERSION:

Man made G(g)od/s in the masses hysterical images, not the other way around.

This was written about April or May of last year, when I was stuck in Houston in training.  Still feel this way at times.  Those of you on MySpace have already read this, but for everyone else, enjoy.

I often find that I am going crazy.
I see only shadows in the light.
The voices speak in subdued tones.
Whisper to them in solace.
Understand that I am but a man.
Honor bound to my word.
But everything will fade,
And I am left a shell.
Will my truth remain?
Where I am none can follow.
I don’t even know me.
Perception is reality.
But then senses will fade.
Perception of a perception.
But my memory will fade.
Will you stand beside me,
when I no longer know myself?

This part of the site, as well as the main site will be changing very shortly. It’s going away from just being the gaming guild for Warhammer and is going to start encompassing all projects. Currently the forums will be left alone, but may change that as well.

I want to take this time to point out a comic by Scott Kurtz yesterday, http://pvponline.com/

As many of you know I served tours in both Afghanistan and Iraq, as a UH-1N Crew Chief (Door Gunner.)

I found this part very interesting, as I love first person shooters, this particular comic hit a little too close.  I can play fantasy, I can play ultra sci-fi, and even some historical such as some of the WWII ones, but anything that gets dangerously close to current times, I can’t do it.

The past two years, a lot of the games that have come out, and classified as awesome (such as Call of Duty 4 etc) take place in _modern_ warfare.  I know it’s a game, I know it has no bearing, but yet, I can’t bring myself to even look at the box art and give it a shot.  Why I am so enthralled by the comic, and sharing it with you guys.

Back to your regularly scheduled gaming stuff.